A long time waiting.

I’m a little sick of this, a little sick of this longing. And it upsets me.

I’m not mad, not upset, maybe a little depressed, and certainly contemplative, that’s all.

There’s so much I want to do, so much I want to get done. And yet I feel ignored. Odd, right? I feel like I talk and talk about things I want to accomplish, and the friends I express it to smile and nod, smile and nod. However I feel no encouragment, no push from them. Like I’m looked at as nieve sometimes, like my aspirations are foolish or feeble in many of my friends minds.

or like they’ve heard it so many times before that they don’t believe it anymore.

I don’t know what they think, but I don’t get the sence that they believe in me. Yeah I hear they say I’m a good guy, amazing sometimes. But were’s the “Keep writing,” or the “don’t give up,” or the “hey, I know you’re getting it rough, but remember I’m here for you,” that I really believe.

Few people have even said it, and fewer still do I really believe.

I know I’m not loud in my applause of my friends. I don’t shout at them how amazing they are, but I do make it known that their valued and why. And I just don’t feel that from them.

I need to be able to push through on my own, but it’s so hard and I don’t see a crutch that I can lean on in times of need. I feel misunderstood, and in some ways, an extra in many people’s sitcoms.

Many a stranger I meet tells me I have something. But what are their opinions when I’ve known them for but a few moments or encounters?

This blog is perhaps the one place I can come to to rant or release my worries. But I again lack a best friend, someone that shares my views and will be there for me equally in body and spirit when I need it.

I mean no disrespect to the friends who have been there for me at times. But you all have someone who you know you’ll lean on in case of a fight, or depression, or setback. I really don’t feel like I have a solid place to do that. I go to who’ll take me at the time, who I won’t annoy at the time. But I’m lonely, there is no solid spot for me it seems. (and equally, I don’t seem to be seen as capable of being that solid spot for someone else)

This time it’s not even for a love, just a companion who understands me, and I don’t need to explain myself to. Someone who can express encouragement to me or tell me what I’m doing wrong, or tell me I’m right and fuck the world for thinking otherwise.

Jenny and Melanie,

Matthew and Fraga,

Gabriel and Julia,

Julia and Fran,

Armando and Callahan,

Kristina and Christina,

Heather and Maggie,

I see this between all of them, dispite the fights they get in, dispite their brawls, at their heart, they are inseperable.

And I guess I’m jealous.

The only person who I think may be in a similar position as me is Aaron… but I don’t have that “I’ll be there” connection with him.

 I don’t want to beg for attention, and I don’t want to sound pityful (too late, right? =P). But a writer needs to know people value his writing. I love to write to love, I must. But I also love knowing people take something from me, that I can be an aid to someone who aids me. That I feel a mutual give and take. A companion in my journey, basically.

What I do want is a friend who wants to know what I’m doing, wants to know what I’m writing or working on (and me, likewise, to him/her), and wants to know if we should meet up at the park, chat, and maybe drive to an ice-rink somewhere for the hell of it. Or just stay at home and lounge at a starbucks for four somewhat hours.

That damn longing, it really does just stay there,
but that’s what longing is-
                                                 a long time waiting.

all I ask is, “For what?”

-Daniel